American Perspectives

While in America, I had some interesting things said to me or near me. I'm not making these up.

Josh, I'm sorry I left you here, but tonight I saved a man's life. I saved a man's life. Well? Well? Aren't you going to ask me how?


I don't give a damn whether I see you or not.

Who's going to save me from myself...


I saw a woman comb her hair with her cellphone.

I'm all retricated.

Why, does she look like one? Well, she's bisexual.

See, my roommate had to start prostituting herself because she retroactively lost her job because of Hurricane Humberto three weeks before the hurricane didn't strike here.


Well, they opened up a location in town, but if we didn't drive all the way out here, we would have missed the atmosphere.

Yeah, I sell insurance too.

The tree broke the back windshield and caved in the roof, but I kicked the roof back out with my foot.

I'm so glad you're coming back to us.

I'm a f*$%@# Native American! I own this country! I have rights! I have rights to sleep everywhere I want! This is public property! F2#%@# you! (Said near me not to me).


The cats are puking everywhere because they see the suitcases.

Well, there are rules of engagement we have to follow. If they throw rocks at me during the day, and they are young, then I just shoot them with a BB gun. They're just playing around. But if its night time, I shoot out their knee caps. That whole country's football game is ruined.

(After an incoherent shout in a Discount Smokes and Liquor) "Um, that means duck."

Cause all I know is I'm nothing to you...